Decide for yourself what this is

I am rewriting this because I just accidentally erased everything I had written.

I have just realised I have been turning slowly into another of those smiling faking idiots that are so common in society. It has scared me so much I don't even know what to do with myself.
I have been decieved by my own idea of what being strong is supposed to mean, and in order to make people like me and be happy around me I have stabbed myself in the back. I have had to tolearate my friends being nicer to someone who has been pretty nasty to me that they actually are sometimes to me. I have created the illusion for them that I am stupid (which I'm not, but that doesn't make me specially intelligent either) and that I don't care much about my school life. I smile and laugh when I just want to be left alone, and I don't even know how I manage it... .
Also, the determination to remain my original self, standing proud of everything I think and am has been severely damaged by a constant effort I didn't really realise I was making to be liked and accepted by other people.

There are many other things, I would rather not go into, that keep the sleep away from me at night.

I only hope I'll be able to go back on my footsteps, so that maybe that way I'll be able to become whatever is left of what I first aimed to be.